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FIRST!

eugene — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 07:15:39 +0000

FIRST!

Hi, nice to make your acquaintance, but we’ve kind of already met before. Me? I’m a FIRST-er. What’s a FIRST-er? Well, it doesn’t mean I come in first in competitions, that’s for sure. Unless that competition is being awesome, in which case I come in first every time.

That’s right, I’m the guy who posts FIRST in all of your favorite blogs, message boards, and YouTube videos. While everyone else is trying to have a meaningful discussion about an interesting topic? I’ve already come and gone, my friend. If I wanted conversation, I would leave the basement.

Do you think it’s easy to always be FIRST? It’s not. I have to hang out at all of your favorite websites, constantly clicking refresh, always on the lookout for new articles to FIRST. And it’s true, sometimes I post FIRST, and by the time it shows up, I’m not actually FIRST anymore. But please don’t confuse me with the “NOT FIRST” guy. That guy is such a troll. Except for the times where I post “NOT FIRST,” in which case I’m being totally ironic, because irony is awesome.

And what about that guy who posts “SECOND!” ?? Oh man, I can’t stand THAT guy. He posts a one word comment that adds nothing to the conversation AND he’s not FIRST.

Let’s be honest, without me, the internet would cease to function. It’s a thankless job, but if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to it.

P.S.: FIRST.

Men’s/Unisex Shirt in White and Women’s Shirt in Black

Please see our FAQ for Sizing. These are the first of the new line of shirts with true sizing. We still recommend that you read the measurements on the FAQ to confirm your size before you order.

Kitteh

eugene — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 07:05:03 +0000

Kitteh <3

Like kitty litter sand though a kitty litter box, so are the Days of Our Nine Lives.

Previously on Days of Our Nine Lives:

Fluffles was accused of mouse murder! But before Mittens could take the witness stand and admit that he was with Fluffles the whole night of the murder (scandalous!), Mittens went into a coma! Dr. Tiny Cat tried an experimental procedure involving yarn and heavy catnip dosing, and it worked! Mittens is out of the coma! But what’s this? Mittens has amnesia!

“Mittens!”

“Who’s Mittens?”

“OMG you’re Mittens!”

“I am? I don’t remember because I have amnesia.”

“One time I had amnesia, but then I forgot I had amnesia, so then I had amnesia of my amnesia, but then I remembered.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. We can start over. We fell in <3 before, we can fall in <3 again.”

And then they look into each others eyes and then… OH NOES ARE THEY IN COMAS AGAIN? No. They’re just napping. Ebony and Ivory, napping together in perfect harmony. The End.

Next time on The Days of Our Nine Lives: Fluffles has an evil twin! Someone has an affair with someone else! MURDER?! Who ate all of the cans of tuna?! Scandalous!

Men’s/Unisex Shirt in Natural and Women’s Shirt in Spring Yellow

Please see our FAQ for Sizing. These are the first of the new line of shirts with true sizing. We still recommend that you read the measurements on the FAQ to confirm your size before you order.

Better Than a Doggy Bag

eugene — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 07:05:28 +0000

Better Than a Doggy Bag

Kitty! What are you doing in that Doggy Bag?

I knews it! I knews you was gettings a dogs withouts mine permissions. Why? Am I not kitties enough for you?

We don’t have a dog.

That’s what I thinks. I thoughts. But then looks, you keep broughtings home leftover food labeled “Doggy Bag.” What is a cute kitties supposed to thunk? No, I don’t think I’m being weird and jealous. It’s a logically conclusion.

No, kitty, it’s not a bag for a dog, it’s a doggy bag. “Doggy bag” is just slang for leftover food from a restaurant.

Oh. Then can we begun calling it a kitties bag? I think that’s better than a dog’s bag. Also, don’t get mad at kitties, but there were only two pieces of fish in here when I got here and I didn’t eat its, I promise. There were not four pieces. I don’t know what happened to the other pieces. A hunger dog must of eaten them. Aren’t I cute in this bag? Let’s focus on that and not the missing delicious fishies, k? Cute kitteh needs your pets.

O, and, uh, yeah, are you a gonna eat these other two pieces? Kthxbai.

Men’s/Unisex Shirt in Lake Blue and Women’s Shirt in Violet

Please see our FAQ for Sizing. These are the first of the new line of shirts with true sizing. We still recommend that you read the measurements on the FAQ to confirm your size before you order.

OM NOM NOM NOM FAIL!

eugene — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 07:05:44 +0000

Our Final NOM NOM NOM Shirt this week is the NOM NOM NOM FAIL!

Om Nom Nom… Wait

Welcome to the first annual Cheezburger eating contest! To close out NOM NOM NOM Week, we’ve arranged a contest between some of your favorite animals, all to see who can eat the most cheezburgers. Are you ready? On your, marks… get set… Snake? Snake? Snaaaaaaake!! What are you doing? Are you eating… yourself?

You know how sometimes you’re eating a cheezburger, and the cheezburger is so delicious that you end up eating some of the paper that the cheezburger is wrapped in? It’s kind of like that, except then you realize that the cheezburger you were enjoying so much wasn’t a cheezburger at all, but was really, you know, your own body. I mean, it’s a common mistake, it could happen to anyone, especially if you’re less the chew-your-food type and more the let-your-food-digest-while-still-alive sort. The only difference here is that the snake paparazzi snapped a photo of his

indiscretion and spread it around the world wide webs.

So next time you’re a snake in a cheezburger eating contest, remember these tips so that you don’t get called Ouroboros for the rest of snake high school:

1. Save a Cheezburger for Happy Cat.

2. Always make sure that you’re not winning the contest by Om Nom Nom-ing yourself.

3. If someone asks politely, and you’re a mother-effing snake, then get off the mother-effing plane.

Kthx and good luck next year, Snake.

Men’s/Unisex Shirt in City Green and Women’s Shirt in Spring Yellow

Please see our FAQ for Sizing. These are the first of the new line of shirts with true sizing. We still recommend that you read the measurements on the FAQ to confirm your size before you order.

Copyright: Pet Holdings, Inc – 2010 All Rights Reserved. Design by Jessica Cornelius

NOM NOM NOM Cookies

eugene — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 07:05:43 +0000

As we continue our week of NOM, we bring to you our awesome NOM NOM NOM Cookies Shirt!

NOM NOM NOM Cookies!

Now let’s think about things that start with the letter N. NOM starts with N! What else starts with the letter N? Oh who cares, NOM NOM NOM! N is for NOM, that’s good enough for me.

Are you chomping at the bit for a shirt with your favorite lol-speak? Already have the WIN and FAIL shirts but you’re HUNGRY for more? Well, proceed to get all ravenous over our new NOM NOM NOM shirt. Nom Chompsky would approve.

Why NOM NOM NOM? Perhaps you are a foodie, an aficionado of great food and drink. Maybe you just support an animal’s right to OM before they NOM. Either way, this shirt is sure to remind you of all your favorite lols, your favorite foods, and your favorite NOM NOM NOMs. To NOM or not to NOM? That is the question I just asked.

About the Meme
“Om Nom Nom Nom” or sometimes just “Nom Nom Nom” is onomatopoeia-based internet slang to illustrate that someone is eating. Used primarily in image macros (or as we like to call them, “teh lolz”), it is most popular with the lolcats. It is widely accepted that the phrase is inspired by the sound that Sesame Street denizen Cookie Monster makes as he devours a handful of tasty treats.

Men’s/Unisex Shirt in Lake Blue and Women’s Shirt in Independence Red

Please see our FAQ for Sizing. These are the first of the new line of shirts with true sizing. We still recommend that you read the measurements on the FAQ to confirm your size before you order.

…and as a final bonus we give you a Music Video

NOM NOM NOM Express

eugene — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 07:05:43 +0000

So we begin our week of three very cool, very different NOM NOM NOM shirts with a classic from icanhascheezburger.com, The NOM NOM NOM Express Snails.

MAD SNAILS

Thanks for coming. We here at Sterling, Cooper, Draper & Snail know that your time is important to you, so we’re not going to waste it. We know you have a lot of other meetings at a lot of other gastropod ad agencies this afternoon, so we’re going to get straight to the point. You want an image for your new travel service, a travel service that you hope will become the pinnacle of mollusk transport. You’ve built leaves, stalks, and branches to get your potential customers where they’re going, but now you need to turn those potential customers into actual customers. That’s our job.

We’re snails. We have lots of ways of getting around. This isn’t a revolution in travel, you haven’t reinvented the wheel, you’ve just made it… yummier. In the past, we had to go somewhere THEN eat something. With this, we can go somewhere AND eat something, all at the same time. That’s right, the transport IS the food.

These aren’t just branches and leaves and grass. No. This is the NOM NOM NOM Express. It’s not express because it makes you go faster. I mean… we’re still snails… there’s nothing we can do about that. It’s express because we’re doing two things at the same time, and that’s going to save us time, and as snails, time is the most important thing we have. It’s why we carry our homes on our backs. It’s why the NOM NOM NOM Express is the next step for snail-kind.

First thing we’re going to do is call up our partners in the human sector, and we’re going to put a wonderful image of snails enjoying the NOM NOM NOM Express on t-shirts. They’re going to love it. And guess what? That’s potentially 6 billion walking billboards for other snails to see. They get a nice shirt, we get free NOM NOM NOM

Good luck at your other meetings.

Men’s/Unisex Shirt and Women’s Shirt in Green Apple

Shirts will be printed on the lower half of the shirt to match the snail munching on grass motif.

Please see our FAQ for Sizing. These are the first of the new line of shirts with true sizing. We still recommend that you read the measurements on the FAQ to confirm your size before you order.
Copyright: Pet Holdings, Inc – 2010 All Rights Reserved. Design by Jessica Cornelius

NARWHAL vs UNICORN

eugene — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 07:05:14 +0000

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

Hey, it’s LOLmart Shirts here, with a special treat. Last week a magical portal opened to a dimension of fantasy, right here in our shirt warehouse, and so, you know, we took a break from selling awesome shirts, hopped through this gate of stars, and attended the most epic sporting event ever conceived.

Here’s the flyer:

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

It’s the BATTLE OF THE HORNS! Put away your brass instrument, you filthy musician, because this SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY Unicorn will be pitted against Narwhal in the one and only BATTLE OF THE HORNS! That’s right, it’s the unicorn-of-the-sea versus the unicorn of the—well, the normal unicorn—in the duel to end all duuuueeeeels! BATTLE OF THE HORNS!

LET THE TRASH TALK BEGIN!

Unicorn: “Narwhal is going down! Does he think I’m going to go easy on him? What does he take me for, a pegasus? If he can’t stand the heat, he should go back underwater with the rest of the FISH.”

Narwhal: “Unicorn? That ain’t no unicorn. Trust me, bub, I’ve seen a unicorn before. That there’s just a horse with a horn.”

Snowy mountain vistas?! Rainbow candy dreamlands?! Waterfalls of wonder?! This SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY they will all be battlegrounds of TERROR TERROR TERROR! Watch these mythical beasts lock horns and clench teeth as we go hoof versus fin! That sensation that you’re feeling? It’s the quickening… of your heart as you are witness to the most epic thing that you have ever witnessed! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Classic battler Connor MacLeod raves: “I am Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. I was born in 1518 in the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. AND I LOVE THE BATTLE OF THE HORNS!”

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! BATTLE OF THE HORNS!

Men’s/Unisex Shirt in Natural and Women’s Shirt in Violet

Please see our FAQ for Sizing. These are the first of the new line of shirts with true sizing. We still recommend that you read the measurements on the FAQ to confirm your size before you order.
Copyright: Pet Holdings, Inc – 2010 All Rights Reserved. Design by Emily Nokes of the Cheezburger Network.

Happy Dog

eugene — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 07:05:13 +0000

Happy Dog is Happy

I have a FEVER, and the only cure is more pets behind my ears! Oh yeah, right in there, that’s the spot. Ahh…

Okay okay okay HI HI HI welcome to Happy Dog’s excited happy can’t stop happy lessons on how to be happy. Are you ready to be happy happy? Well follow my happy steps -

Happy Step One: SMILE!

Happy Step Two: Enjoy the little things! Chasing the cat! Chasing your tail! Chasing anything that MOVES!

Happy Step Three: Take me for a walk!

I’ve watching Animal Planet all day, now we need to go out. The prescription to cure my ails? WALK! WALK? WHERE’S MY LEASH?! LET’S GO ON A WALK! WALK WALK!

THIS MESSAGE IS PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO URGE YOU TO TAKE ME FOR A WALK. HAPPY DOG APPROVED THIS MESSAGE. I’M HAPPY DOG. HI. WALK?

Men’s/Unisex Shirt in Cactus Green and Women’s Shirt in Green Apple

Please see our FAQ for Sizing. These are the first of the new line of shirts with true sizing. We still recommend that you read the measurements on the FAQ to confirm your size before you order.
Copyright: Pet Holdings, Inc – 2010 All Rights Reserved. Design by Jessica Cornelius

Time Travel Kitteh!

eugene — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 07:02:06 +0000

Time Travel Kitteh… iz distracted by String…

Time Travel Kitteh is leaping from time to time, striving to put purr what once went hiss, hoping that the next leap will–wait, no, forget what I was saying, he’s just playing with a string.

He’s not just playing with a string! Do you know nothing about the space-time cat-tinuum? Something is rotten in the time-stream! If Time Travel Kitteh’s string theories are correct, and judging by the results of his bat-the-string-with-his-paw tests then they are, time is the LEAST of our worries.

The time-stream is too crowded! I mean, what is that? Is that a 1950s-style police box? Who brings that into the time-stream? Doctor Whatsit? I don’t care if you’re a Doctor, that has no place here. And is that… a car? Wait a minute, Doc. Ah… Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a DeLorean?

No worries! Time Travel Kitteh is on the case! Adventure! Intrigue! Low-budget green-screen effects! Clocks! Tune into the ongoing adventures of Time Travel Kitteh! Coming soon to a t-shirt near you!

Men’s/Unisex Shirt in Black and Women’s Shirt in Navy Blue

Please see our FAQ for Sizing. These are the first of the new line of shirts with true sizing. We still recommend that you read the measurements on the FAQ to confirm your size before you order.
Copyright: Pet Holdings, Inc – 2010 All Rights Reserved. Design by: Christopher Kimball

Cattuccino!

eugene — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 00:00:12 +0000

Cattuccino

“Excuse me, barista, but my coffee has fur.”

“Didn’t you order the Cattucino?”

“Ummm… yeah?”

“Well, then there you go.”

“Oh. I guess that explains why it just meowed at me.”

Introducing the new Cattuccino. When you want something warm in your mug, with a little less caffeine but a little more cute. No need to add sugar because they’re already as sweet as can be! They wouldn’t turn down a little cream, though.

Mens Brown and Women’s Navy Blue

Design by Sheala Bacon